"Simple Happiness"
It is a sweet early morning. I saw the golden sun peeping over the mountains to the East when I went out to open the windows on the truck (and put a towel over the steering wheel) and the air is soft and pleasant.
Caren’s huge green diesel truck is gone from her driveway, so I guess she has moved to Mexico.
If I knew Caren better I would know what precipitated this move, but I have no idea. All I know is 3 months ago she arrived at our door with huge shopping bag filled with bottles of vitamins and shampoo and conditioner and said “I am moving to Mexico, would you like this stuff?” She told us she would be moving in mid-July, which is exactly what she did. She said San Carlos is on the beach, but it is hot and humid in summer, altho nice the rest of the year. All things considered it is a stunningly adventurous thing she has done.
Caren’s great adventure is in marked contrast to my life now which seems like pure monotony. I am ashamed about the sameness of my days, and think there must be something wrong with me to live this way. And when I wake up in the morning and first open my eyes to new day, I don’t know whether it’s the hot stickiness on my skin or the monotony of my days, which makes me think ‘O no! Another day.’
It scares me this lack of enthusiasm. I think something must be wrong. But really how can I judge my life? I can observe that I am not waking up enthusiastically, but beyond that I don’t know anything. I can say it is the fault of the weather, or the fault of how I spend my time. I do not know. It could come from something else for all I know. But I jump to a lot of harsh judgments and frighten myself. And that changes my mind from lack of enthusiasm about new day to cauldron of all kinds of upset thoughts. Then I think maybe it doesn’t mean anything at all, and it is just mist in my mind which needs to be burned off as day starts up.
Bill went to the workout gym at Randolph Pool and said “after my work-out I want to take a quick dip, so stay in the pool and I will be there in one hour.”
I gamboled in the water for an hour. I don’t know if what I do is called swimming. It is more like dipping into deep water and resurfacing, over and over, from one side of pool to other. I swim deep touch bottom and come up, then go down again come up, half the time my legs are in the air. I like standing on my hands in the water. I did that for almost an hour. When I started to get a little bored I thought about Frank McCourt (I am reading "Angela's Ashes" now). It was interesting to have someone to think about. And I started to pick up my head up a lot and look around for Bill, it was now an hour.
Then I heard the lifeguard on the stand, the beautiful girl blond lifeguard, say in a loud voice to the guy lifeguard in the water, “Go into my wallet open up the zipper and take out all the money.” That was such an odd thing to call out in such a loud voice. I couldn’t imagine what she meant, it seemed unusual to trust someone so much to tell them to go into their wallet and take out all their money.
And then the next thing she called out in a loud voice, “I have nothing anymore, I have no boyfriend, my boyfriend cheated on me, I have no money.” Then she called out “Go into my wallet and take out my card and step on it.” And then I heard something about wanting her money back. I had no idea what went on? Her boyfriend cheated on her and someone took her money ??? Everyone was in the water clustered around her. It was clear she was someone loved. The blond young man lifeguard loved her.
He was the one she was directing her comments to. There was a little girl who loved her too, and another lifeguard with black hair and dark skin. I came close too, I wanted to hear more. But when I arrived the topic had changed.
The little girl asked her “what does P.S. mean,” and the lifeguard said “post script.” And someone said “ASAP means as soon as possible” and the little girl said “I know that.” And the beautiful blond high up in lifeguard chair said “pps means post post script which doesn’t make any sense.” And the little girl said “what does RSVP mean?” And the blond man lifeguard in water called out “respondez s’il vous plait” in an exquisite musical French accent. I was floored. Suddenly beautiful French was spoken around me.
And then the girl lifeguard’s shift was up, and she dived in the water with the blond man lifeguard and they played in the water together and I wondered if he was in love with her, it kept looking like he wanted to put his arms around her.
And then Bill arrived and I said “it is one hour and 25 minutes,” and he said “I didn’t know you were strict about time.” And he floated on his back, and at the other side he said “girl in gym told me Reed Park” (Randolph pool is in Reed Park) “has another pool, it is new pool, it just opened, it has tent over it.” And the man in next lane said “it is the Edith Ball Pool and it has a tent over it for people who don’t want to be out in the sun.” I didn’t know if I wanted to swim in a pool with tent over it, but at least it was outside. Bill said “when I come back on my bicycle to finish my work-out, I will ride over and check it out.” “Good!” I said “and get their schedule, it will be fun to find a new pool.”
I had woken up at very bad odds and ends yesterday morning, much worse than the mere lack of enthusiasm for day today that I woke up with this morning, and a whole hour and 25 minutes swimming underwater and then moving close to hear the beautiful blond lifeguard call out “I don’t have a boyfriend anymore, he cheated on me” and “go into my wallet open up the zipper and take out all my money,” and hanging out in pool for another 15 minutes while Bill drifted back and forth on his back. Somehow the whole combination had immensely soothing effect on me. Instead of my life feeling like a puzzle where all the pieces were scattered, all the pieces came back together. I guess this is called simple happiness....
Caren’s great adventure is in marked contrast to my life now which seems like pure monotony. I am ashamed about the sameness of my days, and think there must be something wrong with me to live this way. And when I wake up in the morning and first open my eyes to new day, I don’t know whether it’s the hot stickiness on my skin or the monotony of my days, which makes me think ‘O no! Another day.’
It scares me this lack of enthusiasm. I think something must be wrong. But really how can I judge my life? I can observe that I am not waking up enthusiastically, but beyond that I don’t know anything. I can say it is the fault of the weather, or the fault of how I spend my time. I do not know. It could come from something else for all I know. But I jump to a lot of harsh judgments and frighten myself. And that changes my mind from lack of enthusiasm about new day to cauldron of all kinds of upset thoughts. Then I think maybe it doesn’t mean anything at all, and it is just mist in my mind which needs to be burned off as day starts up.
Bill went to the workout gym at Randolph Pool and said “after my work-out I want to take a quick dip, so stay in the pool and I will be there in one hour.”
I gamboled in the water for an hour. I don’t know if what I do is called swimming. It is more like dipping into deep water and resurfacing, over and over, from one side of pool to other. I swim deep touch bottom and come up, then go down again come up, half the time my legs are in the air. I like standing on my hands in the water. I did that for almost an hour. When I started to get a little bored I thought about Frank McCourt (I am reading "Angela's Ashes" now). It was interesting to have someone to think about. And I started to pick up my head up a lot and look around for Bill, it was now an hour.
Then I heard the lifeguard on the stand, the beautiful girl blond lifeguard, say in a loud voice to the guy lifeguard in the water, “Go into my wallet open up the zipper and take out all the money.” That was such an odd thing to call out in such a loud voice. I couldn’t imagine what she meant, it seemed unusual to trust someone so much to tell them to go into their wallet and take out all their money.
And then the next thing she called out in a loud voice, “I have nothing anymore, I have no boyfriend, my boyfriend cheated on me, I have no money.” Then she called out “Go into my wallet and take out my card and step on it.” And then I heard something about wanting her money back. I had no idea what went on? Her boyfriend cheated on her and someone took her money ??? Everyone was in the water clustered around her. It was clear she was someone loved. The blond young man lifeguard loved her.
He was the one she was directing her comments to. There was a little girl who loved her too, and another lifeguard with black hair and dark skin. I came close too, I wanted to hear more. But when I arrived the topic had changed.
The little girl asked her “what does P.S. mean,” and the lifeguard said “post script.” And someone said “ASAP means as soon as possible” and the little girl said “I know that.” And the beautiful blond high up in lifeguard chair said “pps means post post script which doesn’t make any sense.” And the little girl said “what does RSVP mean?” And the blond man lifeguard in water called out “respondez s’il vous plait” in an exquisite musical French accent. I was floored. Suddenly beautiful French was spoken around me.
And then the girl lifeguard’s shift was up, and she dived in the water with the blond man lifeguard and they played in the water together and I wondered if he was in love with her, it kept looking like he wanted to put his arms around her.
And then Bill arrived and I said “it is one hour and 25 minutes,” and he said “I didn’t know you were strict about time.” And he floated on his back, and at the other side he said “girl in gym told me Reed Park” (Randolph pool is in Reed Park) “has another pool, it is new pool, it just opened, it has tent over it.” And the man in next lane said “it is the Edith Ball Pool and it has a tent over it for people who don’t want to be out in the sun.” I didn’t know if I wanted to swim in a pool with tent over it, but at least it was outside. Bill said “when I come back on my bicycle to finish my work-out, I will ride over and check it out.” “Good!” I said “and get their schedule, it will be fun to find a new pool.”
I had woken up at very bad odds and ends yesterday morning, much worse than the mere lack of enthusiasm for day today that I woke up with this morning, and a whole hour and 25 minutes swimming underwater and then moving close to hear the beautiful blond lifeguard call out “I don’t have a boyfriend anymore, he cheated on me” and “go into my wallet open up the zipper and take out all my money,” and hanging out in pool for another 15 minutes while Bill drifted back and forth on his back. Somehow the whole combination had immensely soothing effect on me. Instead of my life feeling like a puzzle where all the pieces were scattered, all the pieces came back together. I guess this is called simple happiness....
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